Aug
04
2008
| When Athletes Blog |
| By: J Money | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Monday, 04 August 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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ESPN the Magazine recently published a story revealing that (gasp!), athlete blogs aren't always written by the actual athletes. Well, that got us thinking...what if some of our favorite sports personalities actually did write their own blogs? Playing the Field found out for you. We bring you When Athletes Blog. Your blogger today: Jeremy Shockey. Monday July 21, 2008As of this morning, I am officially a New Orleans Good News: I'll be catching more passes and scoring about 600 TDs this season because my new QB isn't ten years old and doesn't spend his summer having Oreo licking contests with his brother. Bad News: My helmet is decorated with the same logo as the Boy Scouts. I ain't no fuckin' Webelo. I'm going to sketch out some new bad-assier designs and give 'em to Coach Payton. I'm thinking maybe a picture of me carrying a sword and a light saber and riding on the back of a giant bald eagle that has huge blood-soaked fangs and horns. And also an American flag. Posted by Shockey69 at 1:17 P.M. Tuesday July 22, 2008 Had to turn down an endorsement deal today. I don't care how much coin you offer, how many stores you have, or how nice the sporting goods are, there's no way Jeremy Shockey is gonna be in your commercial saying "I love Dick's". Posted by Shockey69 at 2:49 A.M. Wednesday July 23, 2008 Drew Brees thought it would be real funny to put a sticker on my car that made it look like he had thrown a football through the windshield. It was NOT funny. When he wasn't paying attention, I threw my car through the windshield of his car. I win. Posted by Shockey69 at 11:19 A.M. Had to buy a new car. Posted by Shockey69 at 3:21 P.M. Friday July 25, 2008 Went to the dentist this morning because I had something in my teeth. It turned out to be a live chipmunk. I asked the dude if I could keep it and he asked me to leave. So I did. AFTER nailing his receptionist in one of his adjustable chairs. Dear Dr. Dentist: You'll probably want to sanitize that little mirror. Posted by Shockey69 at 4:04 P.M. Saturday July 26, 2008 Why is it totally cool for Smokey the Bear to go shirtless, wear cutoffs, and carry an ax but if I do it, they kick me out of the club? That ain't fair. Posted by Shockey69 at 2:36 A.M. Coach told me I should probably stay in tonight. So me and my cat, Mr. Sniffles, watched a couple of "Faces of Death" DVDs because that always helps me relax. Then I downloaded some new shit for my iPod--more Danzig, some Cannibal Corpse, Soilwerk, and Jewel. Bitch can turn a phrase. Posted by Shockey69 at 11:18 P.M. Sunday July 27, 2008 Need to Shockify my new crib so I went to Home Depot to buy some paint. I told the Numbnuts wearing the orange vest that I wanted my walls to look like they'd been basted with the blood of the innocent. He threatened to call store security. Oh boo hoo, you fucking baby. On my way out, I set the garden department on fire. Posted by Shockey69 at 12:52 P.M. Monday July 28, 2008 First day of Training Camp. Did a little rookie hazing today. I taped Curtis Hamilton to the goal post and taped Adrian Arrington to Martin Gramatica, then I stacked all three of their girlfriends into a pyramid and nailed them all at the same time. It was like Cypress Gardens, but with sex. Posted by Shockey69 at 7:07 P.M. Wednesday July 30, 2008 Coach told me to pick a Power Animal so that when I'm on the field I can harness its strengths. I made my own animal, a combination of a shark, a monster truck, and Oprah. Because I'm going to live my Best Life, but I'll eat your face and crush your bones before I'll let you live yours, Fucker. Posted by Shockey69 at 10:12 P.M. Thursday July 31, 2008 Correction. The Wendy's Baconator is my new Power Animal because just like that sandwich, I can make your heart stop, take years off your life, and make you wake up in the middle of the night with knee-buckling diarrhea. Posted by Shockey69 at 3:33 A.M. Friday August 1, 2008 Visited with a kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation because his wish was to meet me. I gave him a human skull from my own collection--and signed it!--and explained that asthma was weakness leaving his body. I told his nurse that my wish was to wear her ass like a hat. I totally tapped it. Posted by Shockey69 at 1:54 P.M. The zinnias are starting to bloom. Finally. Posted by Shockey69 at 9:05 P.M. Saturday August 2, 2008 Went to a friend's wedding. Boned the bride during the ceremony. Here's a matrimonial tip, dude. If you're going to release doves at the end of the evening, you need to TELL PEOPLE that they're not supposed to shoot them. Bad News: I'm no longer welcome at Hidden Glen Country Club. Good News: Dove meat is surprisingly tender. Posted by Shockey69 at 8:24 P.M. Sunday August 3, 2008 Re-read The Lovely Bones, a haunting story with such beautiful evocative prose. Wept. Posted by Shockey69 at 6:07 P.M. Monday August 4, 2008 Told Coach Payton that visors look funny on him. He asked what he could do to make it look better and I suggested removing the top of his head. He said I was being obtuse. Whatever. Know what's obtuse? My dick. Posted by Shockey69 at 9:21 A.M.
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